The Futility of Wishing
by Alairas
Summary: Events from the end of the game that needed some expanding. Conversations between a city elf and Alistair. My first attempt at fanfic, so please R/R. If this goes well, I'll try my hand at a more original story.
1. Trouble in the Alienage

Neva stood at the window, staring out over one of the gardens of Arl Eamon's Denerim estate. The room at her back was larger than the home she'd grown up in, her home in the alienage, the one she thought she would never see again when she left. And yet she had. They had just returned from there. She'd seen Soris and Shianni, had saved her father and the other elves from being sold off to the Tevinter slavers, yet she couldn't help but feel troubled. She idly ran her hands over the stone window sill, trying to sort out her feelings, when she heard a knock on her door.

"Come in," she called.

The door opened, and Alistair entered. He closed the door quietly and walked over to her. Neva attempted a smile.

"We've finally rejoined civilization, yet here you are, holed up in your room. You haven't even taken your armor off," quipped Alistair. "Or are you trying to make a bold fashion statement?"

Neva looked down at herself. "I guess it's been my daily wear for the past year. I don't really even notice it anymore."

"Yes, well, while you look beautiful no matter how you're dressed, I'd suggest changing into that blue gown the Arlessa gave you. You know, the one that shows off your..." Alistair trailed off, gesturing at her breasts.

When Neva made no response, Alistair sighed. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'll be fine, Alistair," Neva said.

"Yes, of that I have no doubt, but that's not an answer to my question. Look, you've always been there for me, for all of us, when we've needed someone to talk to. Today can't have been easy for you. Tell me what you're thinking," said Alistair as he reached to begin undoing the buckles on her armor.

Neva's voice was soft as she spoke. "No, I don't think 'easy' would be the word I would use to describe today. When I left, when Duncan conscripted me, I didn't think I'd ever be back. And while it was difficult to leave, I think it was harder to go back. Seeing Soris and Shianni brought back a lot of memories. And then father. What if we'd delayed a week in coming to Denerim? He would have been gone, like Valendrian, with no way to save him. He could have been..." Neva choked on her words.

Alistair set the last piece of her armor aside. "Sit," he said as he guided her to the edge of the bed, then knelt down to begin removing her boots. "You can't think those thoughts. We weren't delayed a week. Your father is safe, at home with your cousins."

"I know," said Neva as she pulled at her thin tunic. She hated the way it felt right after taking off her armor, all bunched up and stiff with sweat. "He's safe, and I'm very grateful for that."

Alistair set her boots aside and sat next to Neva. "Yet you are not comforted."

"It didn't feel like home anymore," said Neva as a tear ran down her cheek. "I guess I didn't realize just how thoroughly I'd put my old life behind me until today."

Taking her hand in his, Alistair said, "I know what you mean. Well, I sort of do. It was like that at Redcliffe for me. It was like going home, yet not home. Of course, the abominations and blood mages didn't help, either."

"That's true," said Neva, attempting a real smile. "Those Tevinter bastards were comparatively easy to deal with."

"Oh, and here I thought you had a fondness for bastards."

Neva laughed, then stood up and walked over to a chest to retrieve a clean tunic. She gestured to Alistair. "Turn around while I change."

Alistair leaned back on the bed, a wide grin on his face. "There's no way that's going to happen. If you're going to put on a show, I plan on enjoying every minute of it."

Neva smirked and pulled the dirty tunic over her head. While she was doing so, Alistair darted forward and grabbed the clean tunic. Neva reached for it, then gave Alistair a look when she realized it wasn't there. She held out her hand. "May I have that back, please."

"You can come here and get it," he said. "But I'm going to want something in return."

Gliding forward, Neva grabbed hold of the tunic and tried to pull it out of his hand, but Alistair reached for her, wrapping a hand around her waist as he pulled her in for a kiss. As he reached up to cup a breast in his hand, Neva ducked out of his grasp, taking the tunic with her. She gave him a triumphant look and pulled it over her head, then walked over to the washbasin to splash cold water on her face. After running a comb through her hair, she rejoined him on the bed.

"Sooo..." said Alistair. "Tell me about your wedding. You said we would talk about it later. I think this is later."

Neva sighed. "There's nothing to tell, really."

She crawled across the bed to lay her head on a pillow. Alistair followed after her, resting his hand across her stomach as he lay next to her.

"Oh, I don't know about that," said Alistair, trying to keep his tone light. "You were betrothed. I think that's something. And here I thought I was your first true love."

"It was an arranged marriage. Most marriages in the alienage are. I'd never even met him until that day. I didn't even want to get married, but I didn't have much choice in the matter. Soris, too. He was to be married that day as well. But before the ceremony, the Arl's son showed up. He and his lackeys treated the alienage like their own personal brothel, thinking they could just swoop in and carry off any elven girl they so desired."

"The Arl's son," said Alistair. "The one you killed. I can't believe I never asked about the circumstances before."

"They tried to start trouble," Neva continued. "But they tried starting it with Shianni, which is never a good idea. She smashed a jug over his head, knocking him out cold. His guards had to carry him off unconscious. But of course they couldn't leave it at that. So they came back, right as they ceremony was starting. He had more men, and they took Valora, that was Soris' bride, and Shianni and some of the other girls... and me."

"Maker have mercy," whispered Alistair. "Did he... did they..."

"They took us back to the estate and threw us in a room with some of the guards. They killed one of the girls right in front of the rest of us, then they took everyone else off to the 'party'," said Neva, saying the last word with such disgust that Alistair flinched. "But not me. Oh no, I was to be saved, special for the Arl's son. I don't think I'd ever been that scared before. But then Soris showed up. He was just there, at the door. He had a sword, and he slid it to me, past the guards."

"Which you then promptly disposed of, I'm sure," said Alistair.

Neva smiled grimly. "That I did, those two and the others we met along the way as we tried to find the other girls."

"And your betrothed?" asked Alistair.

Her voice was very soft, very sad, as she spoke. "He was there. He was killed by one of the guards before I could get to him." Anger grew in her voice as she continued. "I was too late to save him, and I was too late for Shianni, too. When I got to where the guards had taken them all, they'd already..." She paused and closed her eyes before saying, "They'd already raped her." Neva opened her eyes, looking directly at Alistair. "So I killed them. Like the dogs that they were."

Alistair made no response, and the silence stretched, the two of them lying quietly side by side. Alistair put his arms around Neva, pulled her to him, and lightly kissed her brow. "Why did I not already know all of this?"

"Because you never asked?" Neva said meekly.

"Right," said Alistair. "That line didn't work for you when I told you who my father was and you wanted to know why I hadn't told you sooner."

With a sigh Neva said, "I don't know. I mean, you knew parts of it. You knew that Duncan saved me from the gallows by using the Right of Conscription. And you sort of knew about Shianni. The Guardian, or whatever he was, mentioned her when we were retrieving the Urn. I guess maybe I was hoping you'd ask about that. But I didn't feel right just bringing it up. We had other more important things to deal with."

"What was his name?" Alistair asked after a moment.

"Who?"

"Your betrothed. What was he like?"

Neva gave a shrug. "I told you I didn't really know him. His name was Nelaros. He was from Highever. He looked a little like you, now that I think about it. Tall, fair, and handsome."

"But with pointier ears," said Alistair with a grin.

"Yes," Neva laughed softly. "But other than that, I really didn't know anything about him." She twisted a ring on her finger, one Alistair had never seen her without. "This ring was his. I've worn it ever since that night, to honor his memory. He died trying to save everyone. Trying to save me."

Alistair ran a finger down her cheek. "I think anyone who's ever met you would give their life for you. You have that effect on people."

"That's a heavy burden to bear."

"Tell me about it," Alistair grinned. "Why do you think the idea of being king terrifies me so?"

Neva closed her eyes. She didn't like talk of Alistair being king. She didn't want to think about what that would mean for them. And she didn't like the guilt she felt at believing that what she wanted mattered in the grand scheme of things. "Yes, but you frighten easily," she said, knowing that the pause before her words was a little too long.

"I'm not frightened when I have you around, oh great leader of the Wardens. All two of us," said Alistair.

"So I'm supposed to protect _you_? I thought you just said that you, along with everyone else, would give your life to _me_?"

"There's something else I'd like to give you right now, Neva. Everyone else can bugger off."

Neva laughed softly as Alistair flipped up the edge of her tunic. He ran his hand up the inside of her thigh. "I don't know why you even bothered putting that thing on," he said. "You know you're just going to have to take it off."

"Is that right?" Neva asked coyly.

"We've been traveling so much, I think we should take full advantage of this comfortable bed we have here. It's the responsible thing to do."

Neva didn't have a chance to respond as he covered her mouth with his. His hand continued moving up her body, over her stomach and breasts before he broke the kiss just long enough to pull her tunic off over her head. His kisses trailed down her neck and across her breasts. Neva moaned softly, feeling the electrical current running through her body that Alistair seemed to set off with but a touch.

"Don't we..." She gasped. "Don't we need to... talk to Eamon about..."

Alistair bit her lightly underneath her breast before looking up at her. "Yes, of course we do. But right now, I think our needs are greater. Do you disagree?" The grin he gave her was downright wicked.

Neva twined her fingers in his hair. "No, I think you're right. He can wait."


	2. After the Landsmeet

Alistair stood outside Neva's door. It was open, and he could see everyone inside. Their little band of adventurers had been through a lot together, yet he felt distinctly apart from them at this moment. The Landsmeet was over, and Loghain was dead at Alistair's hand. Those were good things. Alistair was to be king. That was a troubling thing. He moved to stand in the doorway and cleared his throat lightly. The conversation in the room ceased, and everyone looked over at him, but he noticed no one but Neva.

"Can we have a bit of privacy, please?" He asked, his eyes never leaving her face. As the rest of the group filed out of the room, he only half-heard the jokes and jests thrown in his direction. He was trying to read the look on Neva's face. Did she know why he was here? Did she guess at what he was going to have to do, going to have to say? Once everyone was gone, he shut the door and took a long, deep breath before turning to face the woman he loved.

"Neva..." he began, his eyes trailing over her. She was in a dress, then, and the sight pleased him. So long had they seen each other in nothing but armor, he'd almost forgotten what it was like. The past week at the Arl's estate in Denerim had reminded him of what a normal life must feel like – sleeping in a bed, wearing regular clothing, having hot meals and water, and pretty girls in dresses with tight bodices to look at. And Neva was beautiful to look at, with the way the dress hugged her curves... but he was allowing himself to get distracted! He cleared his throat and began again.

"Neva, we need to talk."

"Of course, your majesty," she said, her nervousness apparent in her voice.

"We need to talk about us," Alistair clarified.

"I think I'm going to need to sit down for this," said Neva as she sunk down on the edge of the bed, her legs nearly collapsing beneath her.

Alistair wanted nothing more than to go to her side, to take her hand and tell her that everything would be well, but he knew he could not do that.

"Being king... it changes things. One of my most important duties will be to provide Ferelden with an heir. This is especially important since we both know I don't have a long life ahead of me. And I don't know if someone with the taint can even have a child. Or if they should."

"But surely some Grey Wardens have children?" Neva asked, trying to mask the fear in her voice.

"Some do, yes, but not with each other," said Alistair, looking away. "I will need to find a queen. Someone the people will accept. One who will bear a child and live to raise it. I don't relish the idea, but I have a duty as the king. You know I love you. More than I ever thought possible, but... if I am to be king, then I have to make the decisions that are appropriate for a king, no matter how hard they might be."

"Are you saying we can't be together?" Neva asked softly, not really wanting to hear the answer to her question.

"Yes, I... I guess I am. This is what must be, I'm afraid. And as much as I'd like to ignore this duty for as long as I could, I know I have to do it now. If I don't end it now, I fear I never will be able to," said Alistair with a sad sigh. "I'm sorry, but I have no choice."

"So that's it, then," said Neva in a hollow, disbelieving voice. "It's over."

"I think it is best. For both of us."

Neva stood up, her growing anger clear in her eyes. "Do I not get a say?"

"What choice do we have?" demanded Alistair, mirroring Neva's anger. "Should I ignore my duty instead, then? What kind of king would I be, to fight for it only to turn around and make a mockery of my position? And what about my future queen? Do I just make her a laughing stock while I carry on with whomever I please?

Neva turned her back to him, not wanting Alistair to see the anguish she was feeling. What was she supposed to do? Plead with him to turn his back on everything they'd been fighting for? She couldn't do that, no matter how much she wanted to.

"I guess Wynne was right," Neva said softly to herself.

"Right about what?" asked Alistair.

"About love," said Neva miserably. "That it's ultimately selfish. Because that's how I feel right now. I feel very selfish right now because all I want to do is... but I guess that doesn't really matter, does it? You've made the decision for both of us. And it didn't take you long to reach it, it seems."

"Andraste's flaming sword, woman! You think it was easy for me?" He demanded. "It's not." His voice softened as he continued. "I love you. I'll always love you. But there are things that are more important than what I want. I wish it were otherwise."

Neva let out a long, mournful sigh. The fight was gone out of her, leaving only an empty pit in her stomach. "I do, too, Alistair. But wishing for things only makes their absence that much worse."

Alistair nodded, though he suddenly looked very nervous. "Right. So. I guess I should be going then."

"No, don't leave just yet," said Neva as she stood up and walked over to him.

Alistair took a step backwards, holding up his hands in a defensive gesture. "Neva, please. I've told you before that being near you makes me crazy. That hasn't gone away. I need to leave, to save both of us any further pain."

"Just..." Neva groped for something, anything to keep him from leaving. "Just kiss me one last time. As a proper goodbye."

She waited, but Alistair only sighed. He made no further attempt to leave, so she took the last few steps to close the distance between them and pressed her lips to his. He made no response at first, but when Neva reached up and touched his face Alistair encircled his arms around her waist. He suddenly began kissing her with a deep urgency, one greater than she'd ever known him to have. He twirled her around and pressed her against the door, bending down to bite at her neck. His hands moved up to pinch her nipples, and she gasped in surprise. Neva rocked her hips forward to press against his, his arousal apparent.

"Alistair," she moaned softly, but her voice broke the spell.

He quickly jumped back away from her, his face red and his breath fast and ragged. Neva was about to speak, trying to find a way to make him forget about his duty, at least for the moment, but she was struck silent by the cold fury in his eyes. She remained pressed against the door, watching him as the anger was replaced by what could only be... hurt?

"I'm sorry, Neva," he choked out. "I have to go. Please move out of my way."

She took a step to the side, and he shot through the door. It slammed shut behind him, leaving Neva alone in her room. She stared straight ahead in shock. It was over. After everything they'd been through, after declaring their love for each other, after Alistair telling her he never wanted to be parted from her, it was over. She fell to the floor, her vision blurred by the tears streaming down her face. Today was supposed to be a joyous day. They'd shown Loghain for the traitor he was, they had their army and the support of Ferelden to fight the Blight. Then why did it feel like she'd lost everything?


	3. A Way Out

The trip to Redcliffe village had not been a pleasant one. Tensions were high, and everyone could feel it. Their traveling companions had known that something had changed between the two Wardens, and it seemed to make them all nervous. Wynne, Leliana, Zevran, even Morrigan had tried to speak to her about it, but Neva didn't want to talk. If all that mattered to Alistair was his duty, then fine. She would do her duty. She would help defeat the archdemon, and then she would leave.

But as things always are, it wasn't that simple. Redcliffe was overrun by darkspawn, and they'd had to fight their way into the castle, only to then find out that the horde was moving towards Denerim. They would have to turn around and go back, a forced march to take them back to the city as quickly as they could go, but not before Riordan delivered yet another piece of bad news. In order to defeat the archdemon, one of them would have to die. He'd called her brave when Neva offered to be the one to make the killing blow, but bravery had nothing to do with it. It made sense, didn't it? Alistair was to be king, and he'd made it very clear there was no room in his life for her any longer. He could not sacrifice himself. And Riordan knew the most about the Grey Wardens' history. He would be the one best able to find new recruits and build up the Wardens' numbers in Ferelden. As for Neva, what did she have to contribute?

But then she'd gone back to her room only to find Morrigan waiting for her, with an offer. Morrigan was persuasive, and Neva found herself agreeing to go to Alistair with her idea. All he had to do was sleep with the woman he despised most in the world, create some sort of infant deity with her, and everyone would live. Problem solved, it seemed. So why was she still standing outside his door, terrified to knock on it. She knew it had to do with more than just Morrigan's offer. Neva hadn't been alone with Alistair since that day in her room right after the Landsmeet. On the journey south, he hadn't been mean to her or cold to her, but he hadn't been warm, either. In fact, he treated her just as he did everyone else. And that hurt more than anything. She took a deep breath, steeled herself, and knocked on his door.

Alistair seemed startled when she entered his room. "Oh, it's you," he said. "I guess you can't sleep either. On the way back from Riordan's, I noticed Morrigan hanging around your room. I know she doesn't like sleeping anywhere but at camp, and it's late, so she must have wanted something."

"You can't sleep?" Neva asked, stalling. "Is there something wrong?"

"Oh, I don't know," he said with a shrug. "I guess I become more the king every day. I can see it in everyone's eyes, that they're looking to me to lead. It suddenly seems very real." Alistair peered at her before continuing, "But you didn't come here to ask after me, of that I'm sure. I may be tired, but I'm not stupid. What did Morrigan want?"

"Alistair, we need to talk," Neva said, visibly shaking. What was she doing here? Could she really ask him to sleep with Morrigan, someone he hated, when he would no longer sleep with her, someone he claimed he once loved?

"Well, I can see that whatever it is, it's big. Stop stalling and tell me."

Neva became very aware of the distance between them just then. She'd made it into his room, but she had remained standing by the door, almost as if being too close to him was a frightening thing. Maybe it was. Alistair was leaning against the post of his bed, and he didn't seem too eager to close the gap between them either.

She took a deep breath. "You know I love you... don't you?"

Alistair flinched at that. "I... I wondered if you still... after everything... but why are you telling me this? And why are you being so ominous?"

It was like a punch to the gut that he didn't tell her he loved her as well, but Neva pressed forward. "What if I told you there was a way out? What if I said we could defeat the archdemon without anyone having to die?"

He crossed his arms over his chest. "What do you mean? You heard what Riordan said."

Neva felt as if her heart would burst, it was beating so quickly. "But what if I told you there was a way around that? What if it was something that involves magic. A ritual."

Alistair suddenly looked very alert, straightening up and even taking a step towards her. "Oh, some magic of Morrigan's? What does she have planned? Do you think it would work? What do you need me to do?"

Neva cleared her throat softly. This was it. "You would need to sleep with her."

Alistair laughed. "Right. Cute. Very funny." He waited for Neva to join in the laughing, but his face paled when he saw that she wasn't going to. "You're not joking, are you? Please tell me you're joking. You're can't be serious about this. What sort of ritual are we talking about?"

Neva paused, wondering what lie to tell him, but then she realized she owed him the truth. If she was going to ask him to participate in something that likely involved blood magic, he deserved to know all of it. "In this ritual, Morrigan would conceive a child," Neva began, but Alistair cut her off.

"WHAT?! I must be hearing things. Are you out of your mind? You want me to impregnate Morrigan in some sort of magical sex rite? To what end? So that Morrigan can have her own bastard to take the throne, once I'm dead?"

"No, I think... she said you would never see the child. That once this was all over, she would leave and you'd never see her again."

"Right," scoffed Alistair. "Right until it marches in with an army to fight me for the throne." He strode across the room until he was standing right in front of her. "Neva, I... Maker have mercy, what are you asking of me? This sounds like dark magic. Blood magic. You know how I feel about that. I may not agree with everything the Chantry does and says, but I still consider myself a Templar. And even if I _was_ willing to entertain this crazy idea, and I'm _not_ saying that I am, is this something you would even want me to do?"

That was the question Neva had been hoping wouldn't be asked. Of course she didn't want him to do it, but what were their options. She knew she could persuade him, if she really wanted to. She'd always been able to get him to see her side of things, but she suddenly didn't feel like that was the right thing to do. He was to be king. Was it right for her to try to manipulate him, just to save her own hide?

Neva took a step back. "No, you're right. I can't ask this of you." She gave a sad smile. "I guess I'm just being selfish. Again."

"Neva..." began Alistair as he reached for her hand, but she turned and quickly left his room.

She hurried down the hall and around the corner before being overcome. "Maker help me," she whispered to herself as she shook all over. All she wanted to do was collapse into her own bed, perhaps with a little help from the small flask she'd swiped from Oghren's personal stash. But then, there was still Morrigan to deal with. Best to get that over with quickly.

Morrigan didn't take the news well. "You are both fools," she declared when Neva told her there was to be no deal. "Die, if you feel it to be worthwhile. I promise you, I won't be here to see it."

"Please, Morrigan. It doesn't have to be like this. We still need your help," Neva begged, but Morrigan was already moving towards her door.

"'Tis your doing, not mine," said the witch. "Would that I could have helped you, but you refuse. Well, I will not stand idly by and watch you die. You do what you must, as will I."

Neva raced after her, but when she got to the hallway, Morrigan was gone. "No, please..." she begged, but there was no one there to hear her. She went back into her room and closed the door, feeling that all-too-familiar pit in her stomach. Was everyone to abandon her at the last minute, when they'd come so far? She changed into a light chemise and pulled out Oghren's flask. She grimaced after taking a swig and set the flask down on the table beside her bed. Just as Neva was about to extinguish the lamp by her bed, she heard a timid knock on her door. She flew out of bed and opened it, but she couldn't have been more shocked to see who was standing there.


	4. The Eve of Battle

When Neva had heard the knock on her door, she had been expecting Morrigan, hopefully come back to apologize for being hasty, to tell her she would at least stand with her at the last battle. It was not Morrigan. Instead, it was Alistair who stood at her door. He shifted uncomfortably, and Neva realized she'd been standing there, just gaping at him.

"May I... come in?" He sounded very formal in his request.

She took a step to the side and gestured to him to enter. She closed the door behind him as he walked over to stand before the hearth. She leaned back against the door, and when he turned around to say something, she could barely hear him over the pounding of her heart.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I asked if I might have a little of what you're having," he said, gesturing to the flask by her bed.

"Oh. Of course. But be careful. It was Oghren's, so it's a little strong."

He smirked at her. "Yes, I could tell that by the smell of you when you opened the door."

Neva flushed as Alistair took a nip from the flask. She watched as he made a face before re-corking it and setting it aside. He glanced around the room, his eyes lingering on the bed before apparently thinking better of it and seating himself on the edge of the hearth. "I think we should talk. You shouldn't have rushed off like that."

Neva gave a shrug of her shoulder. "Shouldn't I have? It was a move I learned from you."

With a grunt Alistair stood up. "If we're just going to be nasty to each other, I'll go."

She had a feeling he was bluffing, but she wasn't willing to take the chance. Neva held her hands up. "No, please. I'm sorry. Stay. This may be our last chance to... talk."

Alistair slowly sat back down, and Neva moved to sit beside him. Not too close, though. She leaned forward and put her head in her hands. Being this close to him was hard enough. Looking at him just then would have been unbearable.

For Alistair it was no easier. Ever since finding out he would be king, he'd been trying to do the right thing. He could no longer be the reckless, carefree boy he'd been. He felt a little reckless then, though. Sitting next to the woman he adored, her dressed in only a nightgown, one he could quite clearly see through with the light from the fire at her back. His head was swimming a little, not only from the drink but from the offer she'd brought to him. "About what Morrigan wants..." he began, but Neva cut him off.

"Wanted. She's gone."

"What do you mean, she's gone?" Alistair demanded.

"I mean... she's gone. When I told her we refused her offer, she left. She said she wouldn't stand by and watch us die."

"That traitorous bitch," Alistair growled. "I should have known she'd betray us in our final hour."

"Yes," said Neva miserably. "The final hour seems to be a good time for betrayals."

Alistair turned his head with a snap to glare at the woman beside him and was about to threaten to leave again when he saw the miserable look on her face. He moved to kneel in front of her, gently taking her hands in his. "Neva, please. You know why I did what I did. It was for the best..."

Neva tore her hands out of his, stood up, and walked to the far edge of the hearth. Her voice was cold as she spoke. "I cannot take this conversation again, Alistair. Yes, I know. You are very noble. I am wrong to want anything from you. If you came to me tonight simply to break me down even further, I warn you – there aren't many pieces left to break. So be careful, as I assume you still have need of me in the coming battle."

Alistair pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. He tried to calm himself because all he wanted to do right then was yell at Neva, make her see reason. But then, he'd watched her in camp, as they'd traveled to Redcliffe. He'd thought that acting like nothing was wrong would have helped things, but everything he said to her on the journey had only seemed to elicit a desire from her to avoid him further.

"I didn't come to fight, Neva. I came because... well... because this may be the last night we have together. I didn't want to leave things like they were."

"Oh, you needn't worry about me," Neva scoffed. "Like you said, this will all be over soon, one way or another. Either Riordan takes the final blow and we both live, in which case I will be leaving to fulfill my duties to the Grey Wardens to rebuild their numbers, or I take the final blow. Either way, you won't have to worry about seeing me again after that."

"Hello, there are _three_ Grey Wardens here. It's just as likely I'll be the one not walking away..." Alistair began, but Neva cut him off.

"No. You are to be king. Your duty is there, as you've made abundantly clear. The only way you'll be finishing the archdemon is if Riordan and I are both already dead. In which case, maybe I'll see you again if there's anything on the other side of death," Neva said grimly.

Alistair turned his head to look at her. Neva's back was to him, and he stared at her, trying to think of what to say. Maker, but she was pleasing to look at, from any angle. Her chemise was short, ending just below her knees. She was petite, like all elves, but there was a hardness to her, too. He'd never met a woman like her before, and he doubted he ever would again. Alistair had noticed he was getting more attention lately, from men and women alike. People trying to get into the good graces of the soon-to-be king, no doubt, but there had been a lot of attempted flirting with him as well. Even had his heart been in a place where he would have welcomed such a thing, he realized he had no interest in any of the women around. They all seemed so... soft, so fragile. How would he ever find a queen who could compare to the woman standing before him.

Alistair suddenly realized that Neva was watching him over her shoulder. Watching him stare at her legs. He flushed, cleared his throat, and stood up. "Whatever happens in the coming battle, and whatever comes afterwards, I want you to know that..." Alistair gulped before continuing. "I need you to know that I'll always love you."

At those words Neva crumpled to the ground, no longer able to hold back the tears she'd been fighting. Alistair rushed to her side, but she held up a hand to keep him from getting to close.

"For whose benefit do you say these things?" Neva asked, trying to keep her voice calm. "Do you think it makes things better, easier? Because it doesn't. I've been trying to ignore the hole you've left in my heart. Telling me in one breath that we can no longer be together, and then saying you love me in another actually makes things worse, Alistair." She took a deep breath, willing herself to continue. "I think you should go back to your room now," she said as she rose unsteadily to her feet.

He took a step closer, reaching out to touch her lightly on the arm. "Wait, please," he said. "You know I have this wonderful knack of fouling things up when I'm trying to say something serious. Please let me start again."

Neva just looked at him, her face blank, but Alistair took it as a good sign that she didn't pull away from him.

"You've made me feel things I never thought I would feel for anyone. You've shown me things I'd thought beyond my comprehension, and I'll always be grateful for everything you've done for me. I know I've hurt you, and I need you to know that was never my intention. I guess I just wanted to say goodbye, before it's too late. You know, in case we don't get the chance later."

"Fine," said Neva, her voice dull and lifeless. "Goodbye, then."

Another step brought him even closer to her, and he cautiously slid his arms around her waist. "No, I wanted to say a proper goodbye. One that hopefully we can look back on fondly, when this is all over. That day after I... after the Landsmeet, you asked for a proper goodbye. Do you remember? I wasn't able to give you that then, but I think I can now."

Neva tilted her head up to look at him. "What exactly are you saying?"

Alistair answered her question by pressing his lips ever so softly to hers. When she made no move or response, he pulled his head back. "Is this all right? Do you still want me to leave?"

Neva sighed softly and leaned her head against his chest. "I don't know. I don't know what to think or feel lately. I'm turning into a bumbling idiot."

"Welcome to the club," Alistair whispered into her hair.

He felt her shudder against him, and he thought she was crying again, but when he looked down at her he realized she was laughing. Emboldened by this, he scooped her up into his arms and walked slowly over to the bed. It hadn't been that long, but he'd almost forgotten what it felt like to hold her in his arms. She just felt like she fit there, like she'd been made just for him. He set her down gently on the bed and sat down next to her. She rolled over onto her side to face him, pulling her knees up, which exposed most of her legs. Alistair couldn't help himself, and he reached out to stroke her thigh.

In a quiet voice Neva asked, "Why are you doing this? Not that I mind, I don't think anyway, and not that I want you to stop, but you were so adamant before that this would only make things harder."

"Oh yes, this is definitely making things harder," said Alistair softly, then he flushed and cleared his throat. "And you're right, this is probably not the wisest course for us, but I'm very suddenly faced with my own mortality. Yours, too. There's a very real possibility that in a week's time, one of us will not..." He shook his head, unwilling to finish that thought. "If tonight is to be my last real memory of you, I want it to be a good one. If one of us should fall, I don't want the other of us to have a fight as the last thing we remember about each other."

Neva reached out and trailed her fingers up his arm before pulling him to her. Alistair leaned down to kiss her as he kicked off his boots, then he settled himself on the bed next to her. He suddenly felt like he did the first time they were together. He'd been so nervous, so unsure of himself. He felt just as nervous now as he wondered whether or not he was making a mistake. But as Neva pulled her chemise off and tossed it aside, all doubts fled from his mind. He quickly followed her lead, pulling his tunic and breeches off as quickly as he could. Alistair pulled Neva to him, pressing his body as fully to hers as possible.

They lay there like that for a long while, just kissing and touching, until Neva finally rolled onto her back and pulled him atop her. Her lips never leaving his, she reached down and guided him inside her. They moved together, as if they were two parts of one being. Their lovemaking had always been exciting – sometimes playful, sometimes urgent, often loving, but this was different. There was an urgency there, but they both held back a little, could both feel the other doing the same, as if they could hold back enough to make the night last forever. When they weren't kissing they were staring into each others' eyes, as if trying to record every moment into their memories. When Alistair finally reached his climax, he collapsed upon her, completely spent. They remained like that for a while, panting, their bodies slick with sweat. Finally, Alistair rolled off of Neva to lie next to her. She rolled to her side to put her head on his chest, and he put his arms around her to hold her close.

"I wish..." he began, but Neva quickly reached up and placed her fingers over his lips. He kissed her fingers and smiled. "I was just going to say that I wish I could stay with you all night."

"Then stay," Neva said softly. "We only have a few hours left for sleeping. The servants who are up and about now would surely notice the future king leaving the bedroom of his fellow Grey Warden in the middle of the night, but in a few hours the place will be so busy with everyone readying themselves to leave that no one will notice where you spent the night. Besides, we are both going to need our rest for the hard traveling we have in front of us, and I know I sleep better with you at my side."

"As my lady wishes," said Alistair as he leaned in for one last kiss before they both drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

~***~

_There will be one more chapter, which I should have ready to post in the morning. Thank you everyone for reading and for the reviews!_


	5. Sacrifice

The trip back to Denerim was more pleasant than the one they'd taken to get to Redcliffe. For one, some of the tensions between the two Grey Wardens seemed to have eased, their other companions noticed. However, Morrigan's absence also seemed to make things easier for everyone. While none could believe that she could simply disappear this late in the game, no one seemed to question why too deeply. After all, hadn't she always held herself apart from the rest of them? Hadn't she always gone out of the way to be a thorn in everyone's side?

They marched toward the city at a hard pace. When they reached the outskirts of the city, they found it overrun by darkspawn. Clearing them out had been difficult, but they'd managed to clear a path to the city gates. It was there where Riordan explained his plan. Draw the archdemon to the top of Fort Draken, and slay it there. He advised Neva to select a small group to go with her, the rest of her party to stay at the gates to help hold them. Riordan left with his own group, and Neva turned to her companions. Alistair immediately came to her side.

"Who's coming with us? Wynne for sure. And maybe Leliana? She's good with that bow of hers."

Neva gave him an odd look, then turned to her companions, her friends. "I'll be taking Wynne, Oghren, and Zevran with me," she said after a short pause. "The rest of you will stay here to guard the gates. Alistair, you lead those who are staying here."

"WHAT?" Alistair demanded. "What do you mean, staying here? I'm going with you."

"No, you're not," said Neva with a shake of her head.

"Maker's breath, woman, I'm going to be king. I'm not going to stand by and let someone else fulfill my duty for me. I'm going whether you like it or not!"

Neva rounded on him, her hands on her hips. "No, you're staying here, Maker damn you. King or not, you have no say over what happens here today. You made me the leader of this group a long time ago, or have you forgotten? When you leave this place, you can command others as much as you want, but right here, right now, I say who stays and who goes! And you're staying!"

Alistair's face was red with rage. "What are you trying to do here," he demanded, moving closer to her, dropping his voice and trying to ignore the fact that everyone was watching them intently. "If you think I'm going to let you go up there without me, you're crazy."

Neva folded her arms across her chest. "You've made difficult choices, too, Alistair. To fulfill your duty, as you put it. Well, that's what I'm doing, too. I have a duty to protect my king. You're staying here. There is much you can do here, and being where the other soldiers can see you will lift morale."

Alistair gripped her shoulders, a sort of wild terror in his eyes. "Don't do this, Neva. Don't be foolish. I'm still a Grey Warden, and I..."

"No," Neva cut him off as she shrugged his hands off her shoulders. "Grey Wardens have no titles, remember? You're the king now, or will be soon enough. You're staying here. We're not discussing this anymore." She called out, "Wynne, Oghren, Zevran, let's go."

Neva turned to go, but Alistair grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him. She growled, ready to scold him for delaying their party, but he covered her mouth in a kiss. Neva was shocked by this, as Alistair had always shied away from any sort of public display of affection.

"Hurry back," said Alistair, trying to keep his voice light.

"We both know how this ends," said Neva sadly as she turned quickly to jog towards the gates, not trusting herself to look back at him.

~***~

Neva's group stopped for a rest. They were about halfway up the tower, and Zevran needed to collect more arrows. Oghren was helping him look through the corpses littering the ground, and Neva sat on a small bench to catch her breath. The trek through the city had been difficult. At least she was sure Shianni and Soris were safe for now. The same could not be said for the soldiers her treaties had bought her. Too many of the bodies they passed were not darkspawn bodies.

"I'm sorry for you that my instincts were correct," said Wynne as she sat down beside Neva, who jumped at the sound.

"You startled me, Wynne. And what do you mean? Instincts about what?"

"About you and Alistair. About it coming down to making a choice between duty and love. I know it is not an easy one, and I can see the hurt that you both feel from having to make it."

Neva shifted uncomfortably. While Wynne had always been her confidant and advisor, she wasn't sure she wanted to talk about this. "It wasn't much of a choice, Wynne. There were really no options left to us."

"Only because you refuse to ignore your duties. You are both very noble, and I admire you both for the sacrifices you have made, but I am sorry, too."

"I... thank you, Wynne, but I can't talk about this right now. I need to focus on the..." Neva gestured to the stairway leading up through the tower.

"Of course, my child," said Wynne just as Zevran and Oghren returned.

"Let's get this sodding business over with," grumbled Oghren. "I need a drink."

The continued upwards, fighting their way through the throngs of darkspawn, until they reached the top of the tower. They barely made it through the door when they heard an awful screech and the archdemon landed in front of them.

"Shall we dance, then?" Zevran asked with a grin. He bowed to Neva. "Ladies first, yes?"

Neva grinned back at him and led the charge. The fighting was bloody. Neva could tell they were hurting the archdemon, but it was hurting them, too. She watched as the archdemon thrashed its long tail, catching Oghren across the chest and hurling him against a wall, knocking him out cold. Neva took a nasty hit from one of the archdemon's claws, tearing open a gash in her armor. She saw Zevran fall, but she didn't know if he was hurt or dead . Neva looked around wildly for Wynne and saw her off in the distance. She could tell Wynne was injured, and she was surrounded by darkspawn. Neva felt a wild impulse to go to her, to protect her, but she knew her duty was to kill the archdemon.

The dragon was bleeding from a number of cuts, but it was not enough. Neva managed to slip around behind it and slice its hamstring with one of her daggers. The archdemon screamed and its back legs collapsed, nearly crushing her. Neva danced out of the way and moved up, taking out one of the front legs, but then she took a blow from the demon's tail, sending her flying. Luckily she was much more spry than Oghren, and she tucked her head in and rolled as she hit the ground. She stood up and shook her head, only to find Wynne standing beside her.

"Now is your chance," said Wynne, and Neva saw that it was so.

The archdemon was still alive, but it seemed incapacitated for the moment. It struggled to rise, but its mangled legs were keeping it from being able to.

The fear of dying suddenly overwhelmed her. "In death, sacrifice," she whispered as she rolled her shoulders back, readying herself. This was it, the moment she knew would come. She turned to look at Wynne. "Tell him..." Tell him what, she wondered? That she knew he would be a good king? That in time he would be able to move on? That she was doing this for him? "Tell him I love him?" She waited only a moment for Wynne to nod before she let out a guttural scream and charged the archdemon, grabbing a longsword from a nearby body. It tried to snap at her as she got near, but she was too fast, and she jumped with all her might, landing on its neck.

"For the Grey Wardens!" Neva cried as she stabbed the longsword into the demon's brain. Intense pain filled her body as a blinding light shot up into the sky. She tilted her head back and howled, and then everything went black.

~***~

When the light had shot up from the tower, the remaining darkspawn had fled the city. The soldiers around him were cheering loudly, but Alistair found himself shivering, about to retch. The archdemon was dead, of that he was sure, but who had made the killing blow? Was it wrong of him to hope it had been Riordan? It seemed an eternity before he saw Neva's group returning. There was Oghren, with a bandage tied around his head. Wynne appeared to be using her staff to support herself, and Zevran was walking with a limp and... holding something?

"No," he whispered to himself, and then he was running. "No," he said again as he got closer, close enough to tell it was Neva in the assassin's arms. "Is she..." he gasped, trying to catch his breath. "She's just hurt? She's not..."

"She's a hero, Alistair," said Wynne, coming to stand beside him. "And with her last words, she asked me to tell you that she loves you."

"No!" Alistair cried out again, and he was barreling towards Zevran. "Give her to me," he demanded.

Zevran glanced over at Wynne before carefully handing over Neva's body. "Now leave us alone," Alistair commanded, and for once, everyone obeyed him.

He didn't know how long he sat there, holding her in his arms. "Why didn't you let me go with you?" Alistair demanded of her. "Why did you have to be so headstrong, so stupid as to go and get yourself killed?" A realization dawned on him, and he began to cry. "Why didn't I just agree to Morrigan's plan? Surely nothing she could have done to me is worse than this. Maker help us, what am I supposed to do without you?"

They had achieved victory, but it felt hollow to him. They had won, but at what cost? He looked down at the body of the woman he loved and realized there were so many things he wanted to tell her. "Know that I will always remember what you did here today," he said. "Everyone will remember what you did, I'll make sure of that." Alistair suddenly recalled the grief he'd felt at not having anything of Duncan's to remember him by. He wanted something of hers, but what? He thought about taking Neva's ring but decided against it. That was hers, to remind her of Nelaros' sacrifice, and she deserved to keep it. Instead, he carefully removed the pendant that hung around her neck. It was the one she'd been given after surviving the Joining. He put it around his neck, to rest next to his own. "I love you," he whispered, kissing her lightly on the brow. "And I'll miss you, more than I could possibly say."

Finally Wynne came to lay a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Come, Alistair. You need to address your soldiers."

He looked up to see her with two Chantry sisters standing a respectable distance behind her, ready to take Neva's body. "I can't," he whispered hoarsely. "I can't do this, Wynne. I can't do this without her. Everything I am, it's because of her. She was the strong one; she was the leader. Not me. We were supposed to be together forever," he managed before his voice broke.

Wynne knelt beside him. "You must go on, Alistair. Not only for the sake of your people, but for Neva's sake as well. She knowingly made this sacrifice for you, so that you could be king. She had faith in you, and it was not misplaced. Now it is up to you, to be a king worthy of her sacrifice. Come. Let the sisters have her. Your people are waiting."

~***~

_Thank you for reading. Please leave a review if you loved it, or hated it, or anywhere in between. As my first piece of fanfic, I gladly welcome any and all comments or criticisms. _


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